What it Was Like to be Married to a Sex Addict
Sexual addiction is much like any addiction. Healthline states that the DSM 5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual) describes sexual addiction as dysfunction or addiction that is not physiological. I am not sure I agree with that statement because I genuinely believe physiological things happen in a sex addict’s brain.
Sexual addiction, like any other addiction, is one of compulsion. The addicted individual has a compulsive tendency due to the high they get in the brain caused by a sexual act or encounter. The compulsion is just as strong as that of a heroin addict. The brain does not know the difference between the yearning for pornography or a drug. Addiction of any kind creates a high through the pleasure and reward area of the brain. Neuroscience has a whole study on it. The difference is sexual addiction of any kind falls under the category of behavioral addictions.
So, what was it like to be married to a sex addict? Horrible! His sexual addiction included all others he desired to act it out with while denying me the marital intimacy I expected we should have had. He was sneaky, lied a lot, drained our bank accounts faster than we could fill them, and angry all of the time. He was in a great mood as long as he could enact his addiction but a mad man every time something stood in the way.
Addiction to sexual stimuli, or acts, can cause many problems in the life of the addict and the lives of those they are in a relationship with. Some of the issues I experienced being married to a sex addict was:
1) My husband hid information through the computer and even locked it with physical locks on the hard drive.
2) He lied to cover the addiction and used sneaky behavior to cover the lies.
3) My husband was cheating by phone, in person, or viewing pornography
4) There was an enormous lack of intimacy and excuses as to why he could not have an intimate relationship with me.
5) My husband spent large amounts of money on phone sex, online sex sites and presented risky behavior at work while calling dirty talk sites using our credit cards.
6) He was always angry at the thought of anything keeping him from fulfilling his addiction.
7) He became angry at me for wanting more than a roommate as a husband. Of course, it was my fault in his mind.
8) My husband displayed a lot of defensiveness at confronting the issue, along with denial, nervousness, agitation, and eventually remorse.
By the time I discovered his sex addiction is was too late. We were tens of thousands of dollars in debt. The lies he told led us to divorce, and eventually, I had to file bankruptcy personally. His calls to his dirty talk gal cost us a whopping $350 per hour, and he had called her often. When I confronted her, she chewed me out like I was the other woman! Honestly, I should have sued her for all of the money back. At the time, I was too overwhelmed concerning how I would put my life back together.
I did put my life back in order. It took a long time, though. I thought I would never trust another person again. He was one of the most predictable men I had ever known, and yet he found ways to lie to my face looking right in my eyes. He found ways to enact his sexual addiction in ways I would not suspect anything. Any addiction is a very cunning illness. Addiction of any kind is an illness that affects whole families and especially intimate relationships.
If you, or someone you love, are sexually addicted, please seek out help! There is no shame in helping yourself and those you love. Get help before it is too late. As with any addiction, sexual addicts could engage in risky behavior that can potentially affect their life. Confrontation is the most loving thing to do for any addict. Sometimes confronting means leaving life with someone behind, but healing only comes from dealing with the truth, never through lies.
